You know you’re fat when:

You’ve put a run in your favorite pair of jeans.

Your vision of the super bowl involves a super spoon.

When you dance the band skips.

You’ve been diagnosed with a flesh-eating virus and told you have 23 years to live.

You’ve gone to Sizzler’s and gotten a group discount.

Your belly button doesn’t have lint, it has sweaters.

You have your own congressman.

Your blood type is Ragu.

Your Daisy Dukes are more like Boss Hoggs.

You eat Wheat Thicks.

You’re zoned for commercial development.

You got a blood test - and they found gravy.

You think your nickname is “damn!”

 My girls Jamie & Lauren, boy Joshua and some vagrant mutt.

Brought to you by Evan

A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture. The Greek says, “We have the Parthenon.”

The Italian says, “We have the Coliseum!”

The Greek says, “We had great mathematicians!”

The Italian says, “We had the Roman Empire,” and so on and so on and then

the Greek says: “We invented sex!”

The Italian says: “That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!!!”

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his
mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four hour operation. A
young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

“Nurse”, he mumbles from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, I’m only here to wash
your hands and feet.”

He struggles again to ask, “Nurse, Are my testicles black?”

Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one
hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look and
says,”There’s nothing wrong with them!”

The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says very slowly, “That was very nice
but listen very, very closely - Are… my… test…results…back?”

Q:What is bloody and has two legs?

A: Half a Cat

An old farmer in Texas had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond,as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave! The old man frowned “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.” Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.

More than at any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

–

Woody Allen