As of last Thursday I’ve lost about 134 pounds.  It’s starting to show.  People ask me how I do it.  They ask if I’m doing Jenny Craig?  No. Weight Watchers? No.  Atkins? No.  South Beach? No.  Sweatin’ to the Oldies?  Kinda.  Lindora?  No.

What I’m doing is looking at all the crapola I’ve learned since I started dieting at age 12, and put into practice the stuff that makes sense.

I’ve had one serious obstacle in doing all this in that I like to eat.  I like to eat A LOT.  Tiny portions are not going to work for me.  I need bulk - and with the plan I follow, I get it.

So what are the rules?  There are a few that I’m religious about:

• No potatoes
• No bread (whole wheat is ok in limited amounts)
• No pasta (whole grain is ok in limited amounts)
• No refined sugar

Did I lose you?  Hope not.  The reason behind the potatoes and bread is that they both have a high Glycemic Index.  What this means is that they spike your insulin which will actually make you feel hungrier sooner.  For every sugar high - there is a sugar low which sends you to the fridge!  More importantly the calories from bread and potatoes are very readily absorbed into the bloodstream and converted to fat.

Whole wheat bread has more fiber in it which slows the fat building process - and sweet potatoes have all sorts of nutrient goodies that make them healthful - but personally, I stick away from them.

Here is my day’s diet.  I eat it most days - with a little variation.

Breakfast

For breakfast I have one of two things.  98% of the time I have a hot serving of Oat Bran - with about 1 cup of either frozen strawberries or blueberries mixed in.  I also add about 5 packets of Splenda.  It’s a lot of food - and it sticks to the old ribs.  It gets me through to lunch.

The other option I run with is a 1/2 cup of low fat cottage cheese mixed with 1 cup of Dannon Fat Free yogurt - Vanilla - (you’ll know if you have the right one if it’s 80 calories per one cup serving).  Then I pour about 1 cup of mixed frozen fruit on top.  It’s a lot of food - but I told you I like to eat.

Either of these meals is well under the 300-400 calories I gear toward in a given meal.

Lunch

I eat lunch outside a minimum of five days a week.  Most times six.  When I started out I swore that I would not be one of those poor loser shmoes who eats salads every day.  I thought I could come up with some actual, non-rabbit food to have for lunch.  Things that would be filling.  I was about 1/2 right.

Here in the building there is a cafe and I’ve created the “Dennis” special.  Other people go down there and order it - and it’s kinda creepy.  It consists of a grilled chicken breast with grilled onions and peppers on the side.  If they have steamed vegetables kicking around - I get some of those too.  If there is no other vegetables, I’ll pick up an apple or a small orange.  With all this I have a giganto water - or giganto diet Coke - as I want to feel full when I’m done.

I’ve found the best thing running in a pinch is the Wendy’s Oriental Chicken Salad.   It has good dark mixed greens, big chunks of white meat chicken and mandarin oranges.  I order that with the fat free french dressing (80 calories for the packet).  I put on the almonds, but do not put on the noodles, which are really just fried dough and would spike the insulin, and raise the blood sugar.  It’s pretty great - and filling.

I used to go to Subway 5 days a week for lunch or dinner.  I’d get the 6″ turkey sub with no cheese or oil, all the veggetables and a package of Baked Lays.  Dieting was a lot harder then because I was starving all the time.  The problem is that the bread from the sub and the potatoes from the chips spike the insulin, raise the blood sugar, and are first in line to be converted to fat.

I’ve re-thunk Subway and now go there to get their salads.  They make an OK Spinich salad with onions, peppers, peppercinis, cucumbers and all - and they top it off with the turkey.  I get it with the fat-free ranch (about 90 calories for the packet) and I’m good to go. 

Dinner

Most of my dinners consist of a lean protien (98% of the time it’s chicken) and a LOT of vegetables. 

A lot of nights I’ll put a chicken breast on the grill - and use about a tablespoon of barbeque sauce on it.  Then I’ll put on a TON of the good vegetables.  This is where I get a bit anal.  Will you grow fat eating noting but carrots and corn?  Not likely.  Are there a lot more calories in carrots and corn?  Yes.  My new staples are brussel sprouts and broccoli.  I’m adicted to brussel spouts.  I buy the little frozen bags - sometimes marked “Fancy” or “Petite”.  You may have to ween yourself onto them buy using LOTS of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter and salt.  It’s worth the trip.  I’ve since cut out salt, and use either white cheddar popcorn flavoring, garlic pepper, Mrs. Dash, or plane ground black pepper.  I eat something like two pounds of these things with a meal.  By the time I’m done, I’m ready to be done eating.  My desire to munch is filled.

When I order out - I will do the same thing.  I’ll order the grilled fish dry (no added oils or dressings) and steamed vegetables.  We went to the Cheesecake Factory last weekend and I had the Mahi Mahi with steamed vegetables and it was outstanding.  As outstanding as the Chicken Madeira?  No.  But I’m on a diet here.

Snacks

I am an ice cream junky.  I put back every pound I’ve ever lost through an ice cream I.V.  I can’t have ice cream in the house.  Not even the tricky Smart Ones, Weight Watchers, Skinny Cow type.  I’ll eat the full box in a sitting.

I’ve found something that satisfies the ice-cream desire.  Frozen fruit and milk.  I fill a pretty big glass with frozen strawberries and blueberries (or a raspberry/blueberry/blackberry mix I found at Costco).  Dump in three or four packets of splenda, some flax seeds - and then fill to the rim with either fat-free or 1% milk.  The milk freezes up and gives you an ice-milk consistency - and the fruit is sweet which satisfies the sweet tooth.  They are very good!

I find the following helpful.  You might not give a crap - but take them for what they are worth:

Spoons.  In my previous life I would sit down with a pint or two of Ben ‘N Jerry’s best and go to town with a big old tablespoon sized spoon.  Same thing with cereal.  I now make it a point to only use teaspoons to eat with.  It requires more dips into the bowl - and there is something psychological about that.

Bowls.  (not bowels)  We have some DANG big bowls in the house - and it would not be uncommon for me to fill them with either ice cream or cereal.  Multiple times.  That would prep me for some key time in front of the tube.  Well, I only use standard sized cereal bowls now.  And I don’t eat ice cream or cereal in my present phase of my life-changing eating plan (diet).

Oil.  I ask for EVERYTHING to be cooked without oil.  I take fish oil tablets in the morning (recently I’ve been running with Flax seeds rather than Fish oil - same Omega 3’s, but better tasting and more fun to chew!) - and I’m not sure if that should qualify as the “Good Oils” I should be eating - but that’s how I count ‘em.  When I see people pouring olive oil on salads and pasta and crap - I just scratch my head.  It doesn’t add much flavor that I’m aware of - and the calories are quite high.

Splenda.  Splenda seems to be my sweetener of choice.  I’ve eaten more by weight than they’d feed a lab rat, and so far the side effects are negligible.  My pee glows a little more in the dark, but that’s about it.

Fridge stocking.  I always have the following in my fridge:

• Frozen Strawberries
• Frozen Blueberries
• Frozen Brussle Sprouts
• Frozen Broccoli
• Some sort of lean chicken breast for grilling or baking.
• Skim milk
• Any extra packets of “Fat Free French Dressing” that I can scam from Wendy’s

In the cupboard I keep:

• Bagged splenda (Both the individual packets and the bigger bags.  The packets come in handy when I travel)
• All sorts of Salt Substitute.  Cheddar Cheese and White Cheddar popcorn flavoring.  A lot of Mrs. Dash.  Also garlic pepper and other seasonings to put on my steames/boiled vegetables.  Boxes of Oat Bran - though you can get it cheaper in bulk at the healthfood store.

Popcorn: I thought hot-air-popped popcorn would be a no-brainer.  A little faux salt and some “I’m starting to believe it’s not butter” and you’re good to go.  I found, however, that whenever I had popcorn during the week - I always weighed in higher or had smaller losses.  So I cut out popcorn.

Fruit.  I won’t touch a banana or pineapple. Both are too high in sugar.  I stear away from watermellon too. I’ll eat an apple or orange once in a while - but Cantelope is about the best thing going.  It’s a natural diuretic, and the calories aren’t too bad.

I try to get in about 30 minutes of exercise 3 times a week. And I like to mix it up so I don’t get bored.

I’ve been mixing up my exercise. Last time I made a run at this weight loss thing I did it almost exclusively using the eliptical machine in the gym here at work. That got boring fast. I’ve been trying to mix things up this time round. I still do the eliptical machine, but I also jog and ride my bike quite a bit.

The eliptical is boring - but it’s easy, available and I don’t have to plan around the weather. I told myself that I would never go more than 30 minutes at a time because I didn’t want to make it something that I would start hating. Since I’ve started watching the TV show “Lost” on my video iPod while I’m on the eliptical - I sometimes go as long as 43 minutes - or as long as the episode runs. The videos make time drag by a little bit faster.

When I jog I go 4 - 5 miles. It didn’t start that way. At my heaviest I couldn’t fake-jog more than a dozen steps without getting winded. To get in to jogging - I started with walking. At first it was about a mile on some streets around my house. Walking. Just walking with some music playing.

After a while - I worked on both lengthening my stride and walking a bit further. Soon I was doing a pathetic half-jog for a few minutes. It felt like I was running a marathon! Eventually I mapped out a 4-mile course around my neighborhood that I would faux-jog/walk/drag through. I remember very well the excitement I felt when I was able to faux-jog the whole 4 miles! It really was great.

I’m at a point now where I do real-time jogging through 4-5 miles and actually build a few sprints into the exercise.

My bike was a similar story. The first 10 minutes were a HUGE PAIN IN THE ASS! I mean that in both literal and figurative terms. I could not believe what I had gotten myself in to. I remember wondering if people somehow build up butt calouses that allow them to spend any serious amount of time on these torture devices.

Like the jogging - I went on small excursions. I could keep up with my kids - and that was about it. I did a few sessions on the stationary bikes here at the work gym - and that seemed to help strengthen my biking muscles without killing my butt.

Now, I ride for about an hour. Fairly aggressively as to keep the blood a ‘pumpin.

I’m looking forward to getting back to boogie boarding at the beach this summer. With my stronger legs and flatter stomache - I may actually be able to catch some waves this year.

HOLY CRAP!  I just found out about Cacao Nibs.  They are basically raw shelled and peeled cocoa beans that have been chopped to about the size of a kernel of corn.  They are OUTSTANDING.  If you like them that is.  I’ve given them to a few people and about 1 in 4 have made the bitter beer face. 

I, however, love them.  You can suck on them - and the flavor seems to last forever.  I also mixed them into my oat bran in the morning and it is outstanding.  I’ve seen recommendations where you should eat as much as 2-3 ounces of this stuff a day.  I don’t know if it’s possible!

I had to go to a health food store to find it.  Remember it’s CACAO nibs, NOT COCOA nibs.  It will cost about $10 for 1/2 a pound (8 oz.).  If you find it cheaper, let me know.

Look at some of the health benefits of this crapola:

Antioxidants: Cacao has more antioxidant flavonoids than any food tested so far, including blueberries, red wine, and black and green teas. In fact, it has up to four times the quantity of antioxidants found in green tea. Health benefits of these antioxidants include: 

• Promote cardiovascular health - Help dilate bloods vessels, reduce blood clotting, improve circulation, help regulate heartbeat and blood pressure, lower LDL cholesterol, and reduce the risk of stroke and heart attacks. 
  

• Protect from environmental and metabolic toxins - Help repair and resist damage caused by free radicals, and may reduce risk of certain cancers. 
  

Neurotransmitters: By increasing the levels of specific neurotransmitters in our brains, cacao promotes positive outlook, facilitates rejuvenation and simply helps us feel good. 

• Serotonin - Cacao raises the level of serotonin in the brain; thus acts as an anti-depressant, helps reduce PMS systems, and promotes a sense of well-being. 
  

• Endorphins - Cacao stimulates the secretion of endorphins, producing a pleasurable sensation similar to the “runner’s high” a jogger feels after running several miles. 
  

• Phenylethylamine - Found in chocolate, phenylethylamine is also created within the brain and released when we are in love. Acts as mild mood elevator and anti-depressant, and helps increase focus and alertness. 
  

• Anandamide - Anandamide is known as the “bliss chemical” because it is released by the brain when we are feeling great. Cacao contains both N-acylethanolamines, believed to temporarily increase the levels of anandamide in the brain, and enzyme inhibitors that slow its breakdown. Promotes relaxation, and helps us feel good longer. 
  

Essential Minerals: Cacao beans are rich in a number of essential minerals, including magnesium, sulfur, calcium, iron, zinc, copper, potassium and manganese. 

• Magnesium - Cacao seems to be the #1 source of magnesium of any food. Magnesium balances brain chemistry, builds strong bones, and helps regulate heartbeat and blood pressure. Magnesium deficiency, present in 80% of Americans, is linked with PMT, hypertension, heart disease, diabetes and joint problems. 
  

• Sulfur - Cacao is high in the beauty mineral sulfur. Sulfur builds strong nails and hair, promotes beautiful skin, detoxifies the liver, and supports healthy pancreas functioning. 
  

Essential fats: There is a misperception that chocolate is fattening. In truth, the fats in cocoa butter are healthy fats. Cacao contains oleic acid, a heart-healthy monounsaturated fat, also found in olive oil, that may raise good cholesterol. Also, substances found in cacao are known to help reduce appetite. 

I’ve been fighting the weight game since early childhood.  There was a time in my early teens when I wanted to get serious about it.  I had seen an advertisement for this Sweat Suite - which was just like a normal sweat suit - but the top and bottom were made out of a plastic material. 

The plastic material was supposed to trap in body heat and rev up your calorie burning somehow.  From the ad I was confident that I’d be losing weight like crazy.  I begged and borrowed for the cash and ordered the suit.

The suit came, and the whole thing fit in a very small envelope.  To be honest I thought they had just sent me a sweat hat.  But as I unfolded it, I found that it did contain both a shirt-shaped piece of plastic and a pants-shaped piece of plastic.

Staying determined - I put on the suit, and put some regular sweats on over it.  I went out for a bike ride.  I can honestly say that I now know what a slice of wrapped cheese feels like.  That suit clung to me like bad credit.  But I was going to lose weight like crazy!  Remember?

About twenty minutes into my ride things started to cool down.  It was odd, as I was working just as hard.  Then I started to feel the drafts.  First in my nether regions, then under my arms.

When I got home, I took off my outer clothes and found that the suit that I had planned on using until I hit my weight goal had ripped entirely from crack to crotch - and both armpits had been shredded.  But the suit didn’t take up much room in the trash.

That may have been the first, but was certainly not the last time that I would be dissapointed by the fitness industry.

I just got the results back from my blood and urine tests.  Nothing special - just the normal screening.

I’m excited about my cholesterol for the first time in my life!  The desireable overall cholesterol reading is 200 or below.  I was at 130.

As for bad cholesterol, the optimal level is to be below 100.  Mine was 69. 

Everything else was cool - glucose levels and what not.  So I’m feeling solid!

From the beginning I knew that this would not be a one exercise program.  I’ve tried that before with the elliptical machine, and was bored out of my mind a month in.

I still use the elliptical machine at work, but only once or twice a week.  Let me interrupt myself her to tell you a bit about elliptical machines.  If you are going to buy one, either go with a pro model like those made by Life Fitness ($4,000) or go to the gym.  The cheaper ones stink, are not smooth and are an overall drag.  I couldn’t afford a pro model, so I go to the gym.  $4,000 will pay a LOT of gym fees!

I mix in bicycling (yep, I was out there weighing 320 lbs on a mountain bike waiting for the tires to pop!), jogging (which started as brisk walking at first - and is now serious jogging) and generally chasing my kids around.  All these activities get your heart rate up and work your muscles so that they can start cyphoning off the fat.

Last week I went to our Scout meeting.  I’m a Scoutmaster - so it’s an OK place for me to be.  We were starting the Personal Fitness Merrit badge with the boys.  I was feeling snug after having recently lost 107 pounds, so I got talking to them about nutrition, and how the whole food intake/exercise routine worked.  Then it got time to test all the scouts on a few areas of strenght.  The deal is that we test them now, have them exercise frequently for the next twelve weeks, and then test them again.  If all goes well, there should be an improvement in their scores.

All the boys got done doing their pushups and situps and then they put the pressure on for me to see how many I could do.  Remember, I was feeling cocky about having just lost 107 pounds, so I jumped right down on the floor.

I just BARELY got 10 situps in during the 60 seconds they give you.  I only managed to do 11 pushups because there was one boy who only did 10 - and I had to beat SOMEBODY!

So I’ve begun thinking that I’ve lost all this weight, but I haven’t been getting any stronger.   I was talking to a friend who is about as solid as a rock.  A rock with a well cushioned coating, but a rock none the less.  He told me that when he rolls out of bed in the morning he drops on the ground and does 40 to 50 pushups and 40 straight leg lifts - while laying on his back.

Now I’m working on getting to those kind of numbers.  I’m up to about 25 pushups, and am slowly getting the leg lifts going.  The first time I did the leg lifts - I did all fourty right away.  Everything was fine for about an hour.  I spent the next two days hunched over and whimpering.  Apparently you need to work your way up.

Last night when I got home from my four mile jog, I got the urge to do a little extra.  I did some donkey kicks (where you sit on your knees and elbows and rotate putting your feet up as far and high behind you as you can.  I also did some side leg lifts - starting in the same position as the donkey kicks, but raising your knee straight out to the side.  After that I did some side leg lifts where you lay on one side supported by your elbow and rais your top leg all the way up and then slowly bring it down until it touches the ground in front of you - and then back up and down to touch behind you.  I did about 40 of these on each side and ended up feeling pretty good.  The best part was the stretching when I was done!!

It’s been six months since I started this whole new lifestyle and I just weighed in at a loss of 96.8 pounds.  None too shabby.

Those size 42 slacks I mentioned in my last post are sliding off, and the size 40 jeans have been replaced by size 38. 

Last weekend I went and pulled more than half of the clothes out of my closet because they are just too big.  Getting a whole new wardrobe - all the while aiming at a moving target (slimming body) is expensive!  I’ve been buying from eBay and the discount stores.

I really noticed the difference in how I feel the other day when I was chasing my boy Josh around the house.  It was the first time I’ve ever had a feeling of being somewhat nimble.  I kept up with him and was able to be much more animated than usual.  He loved it.

My routine stays pretty much the same.   A half hour of cardio three times a week, oatbran and fruit for breakfast, a salad with chicken breast or broiled chicken or fish and steamed vegetables for lunch, and pretty much the same thing for dinner, but with a TON of either brussel sprouts or broccoli or cauliflaur.  I am definately full when I am done with dinner.  Then every night I take a huge glass and fill it 1/4 way with frozen blueberries, then the rest of the way with frozen strawberries.  A little Splenda - then fill to the rim with skim milk, and it’s a frozen dairy treat that I love.

There - one paragraph that is a summary of how I am finding success.

I got a great complement yesterday.  I was walking down the hall and saw a guy I know from work - but whom I don’t see all the time.  When he got up to me he looked a bit suprised and said that he hadn’t recognized me until we got much closer.  That was cool.

I’ve been flying a bit lately and it’s good to report that I don’t worry about the seat belts being able to reach any more.  I’ve actually been able to sinch them down a little bit from their maximum setting.  I feel like telling the person next to me that they are lucky they aren’t sitting with the me from six months ago.  THAT was not comfortable.  Sitting with my arms perpetually folded across my chest with my legs together and straight in front at all times.

I’m quite officially the lowest (weight wise) that I’ve been in over 17 years.  That’s because I think I got down to 199 when I was 20.  On my last major diet I only got as far as 236.  And here I sit at 230.2.

Yes, I go to the Weight Watcher meetings.  I go for two reasons. 

1) They have an AWESOME scale, and I like to weigh in once a week.

2)  I like talking to others who are working on losing weight

I think Weight Watchers is aptly named.  It’s a good place to go if you want to watch your weight.  As in, stay the same.  I think it’s educational and a good way to maintain your weight .  I don’t think it’s a great program for three main reasons.  First, They don’t treat or concentrate on the cause of obesity - a cause which sits firmly between our ears.  Rather than digging deep into the psche of why we eat for comfort, they give us a bunch of fortune cookie quotes and sayings that are meaningless.

The second reason I don’t think it’s great is that they are not aggressive enough with the weight loss.  There is a bigger commitment needed. More concrete goals.  If we need to lose 100 lbs., we need more than a few tweaks to our selections when we are ordering out.

The third reason is that Weight Watchers keeps changing.  There is no magic to their program.  For years they lambasted the low-carb diet.  Now - they have a low-carb option called the “Core Program.”

One of my staple foods is a soup I make up by adding crap to a regular can of Progresso Vegetable soup.

I make this a lot. It’s filling because there is so much of it. I’m not sure how great it is on the calorie scale - so I thought I’d calculate it out.

Main ingredients:
1 can of Stewed Tomatoes - Italian Recipe
1 can Progresso Vegetable Soup
1/2 can Kirkland Premium chunck Chicken Breast.

I will sometimes add some cilantro, sweet onion or green beans - but I don’t think they ever add enough calories to be crucial in this little analysis.

The Stewed Tomotoes are 35 calories per serving - with 3 1/2 servings per can. I use the whole can - so we’re talking 123 calories. I’m looking at the ingredients and it has High Fructose Corn Syrup. Not great. I’ll have to look for a brand without the HFCS.

The Chicken is 150 calories for half the can. That’s hopefully a good source of protien, about 33 grams.

The Progresso Soup requires higher math skills. It’s 80 calories per cup - and the package contains “about 2 servings.” How can we calculate it to the calorie - when it’s ABOUT 2 Servings? Is it more? Is it less?

So I see that one cup is 238 grams. The package holds 432 grams. I divide 432 by 238 and multiply by the 80 calories per cup and get 145 calories.

Adding these all up, I’m looking at 418 calories. It is a lot of food.

I’ve identified my 1-year goal, and that is to break into the one-hundreds. I want to hit 199 with both feet firmly on the scale, no helium balloons tied to my belt and without holding my breath.

Here is where it gets ugly. I’m giving myself 365 days to get there.

365.

It kills me to say where I am now - and how much I have to lose. Suffice it to say that my plan would have me losing .356lbs a day. Or two and one half pounds a week. Those math scholars out there can do the math and figure out where I am and how much I have to lose….(don’t tell anybody).

Here is a basic outline of the program that I have half conceived. I am going to start this activity called EXERCISE. It is a derivitive of a 10th century term “excercism”; and to that note, it retains the common roots in evil works.

I’ve never really liked exercise. You get sweaty, and smelly, and hurt. People say, “But it feels so good when you stop!” Same holds true for hitting yourself in the head with a mallot.

Don’t get me wrong - I’ve done some exercise in the past. I tried lifting weights - but they are so dang heavy.

So my goal is to get in three “Exercise Things” in a week. They will be a mix of cardio (but not too much: When I participated in the Great Diet of ‘03, I was doing an hour of elliptical work 5 times a week. This was before iPods were readily available) and weight training - concentrating on core-muscles. Those are the muscles that help keep your spine in line and your gut in it’s own zip code.

As far as eating, I’m going to try and follow the general advice of ridding my diet of things that spike my blood sugar. This means potatoes, bread, processed sugars, etc.

I’m going to shoot for a general caloric intake of around 2,ooo calories a day. I have a long held notion that you should be eating now the calories needed to keep you at your goal weight. Starving ourselves is doomed to fail! And this is how you are supposed to eat forever. My extra fat - and any exercise - will canabolize and work off the fat that exists above and beyond my goal weight.

There is a tricky formula to help a guy figure out how many calories it takes to maintain a certain weight. You take your goal weight, multiply it by 10 and then add double the goal weight to that number. So for me it would be 199 x 10 + (2 x 199) = 2,388. (Women do the same calculation -but only add 1x their weight to the number rather than 2x)

I am going to be tracking myself (along with anyone else who would like to join for the ride) on these very pages. If you are interested in being tracked, let me know the # of lbs you are shooting for over the next 365 days. Send it to 2dennis@gmail.com.

My dieting days started back in my teens. I was a chubby kid and was aware of it, but I didn’t start any serious dieting programs until I was getting into junior high school. I was one of the lucky ones who got to try the protein drinks back before they put any semblance of flavor in them.

Away from the house (without access to a blender) you would take the powder and put it in the lid of this plastic shaker. The lid had something equivalent to a pasta strainer separating it from the cup. You’d put the liquid of your choice in the cup, put on the lid and then shake the dickens out of it as you try to get the liquid to go up into the cap and mix with the protein and then drop back into the cup. Half of the magic of the protein was the exercise you got trying to get it dissolved into the liquid. Nine times out of ten you’d still end up with lumps of protein floating around but your arms would be too tired to shake it any more.

Ideally you would just mix the protein up with water. That ended up with a taste and texture similar to what you’d get if you scraped a cup along the bottom of an unkept fish tank. One day I tried to mix it with a diet soda (back when they had big fat labels on them warning that they contained saccharine that had been shown to cause cancer in lab rats – nice). The protein went into the lid fine. The soda went into the cup fine. About four shakes into the mix the whole carbonated concoction blew up in my hands and I smelled like a chemistry set the rest of the day. I finally found orange juice to be the most acceptable liquid to mix the chaulk-0-lot flavor into.

The day the protein drinks died.

Making protein drinks at home was a bit easier because you could use the blender. With the blender, you could put in some ice and get the sensation of drinking a milkshake. If you were lucky the ice would freeze your taste buds up a little bit so you wouldn’t gag with every sip. My mother, bless her soul for standing there at o-dark thirty in her robe and pillow hair, used to get up early and make me protein shakes for breakfast before school. She was an experimenter. One day she’d throw in a banana, another day it would be an orange and some vanilla extract. I never knew exactly what I was going to get.

I was sitting at the table making my way through a shake one morning and kept crunching in to strawberry seeds. Not unusual. I kept on drinking until I started noticing that the seeds were getting bigger and I started getting puzzled.

I looked around as I was digging a bit into the shake. Now remember that this was the early days or protein shakes. Also the days of Dallas, preppy penny loafers and Lee Press-on Nails. As I looked over and counted only nine of the latter on my pillow-haired robe-wearing mother the gag reflex engaged. During the process of peeling an orange or grabbing the ice she had managed to drop one of her plastic nails (that you stick on with crazy glue) into the blender. Do I need to paint the picture any clearer? I was 22 before I was able to drink a milkshake without first pouring it back and forth between cups panning for nails. And with the exception of half a can of Slim-fast I drank out of desperation – no protein mix has crossed these lips since.